I don't even know how to name this entry.

After JD left me alone last night I went and scored some pot and had to buy a new pizza. He stole mine. I used the credit card he gave me, but I'm never using it again. There has to be a catch. No one just gives away free money.

So fuck it. I got pizza and I got high and if I hadn't I probably would have killed myself.

Callie almost caught me smoking by the pool but I hid the joint and she got distracted by a customer.

It's not that I hate myself, really. It's that I.. I just feel so lost. Frustration and confusion just constantly beating at my brain. Makes me want to end it just for peace and quiet.

So today I did something else that I know is wrong. And I'm amazed because I don't truly feel bad. I know I should. And I'm angry that I don't. Why don't I feel bad? Why can't I be normal? Fuck... what is wrong with me? Am I evil?

I cheated on Danny.

It feels weird to write that.

Looking at the sentence again...

I.. cheated.. on Danny.

Danny.. who I love.. who has never done anything but love me..

I mean yeah if you ask my mom she'll say he's not perfect because he was ready to have me killed but I know that's not true. At least not in that way. He had no choice. He was being forced to bring me in.

Anyway yeah. My love. My boyfriend. My first. I cheated.

I did it because I wanted to see if it would change me. I thought.. maybe if I give in to temptation I'd see it wasn't worth it and that would end the want and end the curiosity. You know? Like.. getting it over with. Or eating so much chocolate you get sick so you wouldn't want anymore chocolate. Smoking packs of cigarettes to help yourself quit smoking..

Jag had been texting me about everything that happened over the weekend. Danny was upset with me for being grounded again. I had tried to tell him about JD and once again he told me I needed to stop acting out, be good, do what I'm told... I tried to explain to him how I was feeling and that even if I wanted to stop acting out I can't. He didnt understand. It just makes me want to run away even more.

But that's not why I did it.

I won't blame my decision on anything Danny said or did or anyone for that matter. I did it because I wanted to do it. I thought it would be like scratching an itch.

And I know I'm fucked up. So whatever. Fuck it. I am a monster. I'm a monster that sometimes wishes she wasn't a monster and sometimes I'm good but today I was not. And I liked it. It felt good to give in.

So here's what happened.

Jag was texting me. I decided to go to the music room and get high. I texted him and he showed up. Because he's a demi god he can just.. appear. So he did.

I had already turned off the cameras and made sure no one would find me in there, my powers are really good for stealth and faking attendance records.

We started talking and we got on the topic of.. well, each other. I teased him because he said he'd wait for me forever but changed his mind a few days later. I told him the truth, that I hadn't trusted him until that night at the lake. I wasn't going to up and leave Danny for someone I had just started getting to know and still didn't trust. I said.. why would he want me anyway? He said.. if he was mortal he'd want me. But he wasn't sure he was capable of monogamy. He said he never loved anyone before. He cares about me but doesn't know what love is like. So he moved on. Besides, I love Danny.

For some reason when he said that to me it's like.. something woke up inside me. Maybe it was the pot. Maybe it was the depression. Maybe it was JD. But suddenly I wanted him. Not wholly. It was more like.. I wanted to see what would happen. And it was this desire that had been building since he tried to kiss me at the lake.

I always thought Danny was the one.. but how could he be if I can have these feelings about someone else? Maybe I am too young for "the one"? Maybe I'm stupid. I thought being with my one true love I would never want to be with anyone else? And here I was physically aching to be with Jagger. Or maybe I'm like him.. maybe I'm not capable of monogamy.

He sat down and I knelt in front of him and took his hands and we made an agreement..

If we did this.. It would be secret. Between us. We wouldn't be exclusive. Ever. I would stay with Danny. Danny will never find out because I love him and I don't want to hurt him. I would never stand between Red and Abby or anyone else he wanted to be with. He would never get between me and Danny.

No one can know. No one needs to know. It was our secret.

He asked me again if I was sure.

I climbed onto his lap and looked him in the eyes and said yes. I said I know that I love Danny but I don't understand what this attraction was between us and I want to see what happens.. Because when it's just me and him I can't think of anything else. I asked if I could trust him, if he would keep my secrets.. he said yes. He said he's got me.

I blocked the entrance to the music room using my powers and we fucked. And I've only ever been with Danny.. I didn't think I'd like it.. but I want to do it again.

I know I shouldn't because once is enough and if Danny ever finds out he will be so hurt but.. he won't find out. Because I trust Red. He has nothing to gain by telling on me.

And I feel.. powerful.