Dr. Kasey

(This is a scene, not a diary entry.)

Isa knew that therapy was inevitable. If she had started sessions back in the spring she would have welcomed it, there was so much on her mind and so many things she wanted to understand about her brain and how it was processing what happened to her parents that she would have loved to sit and talk to a professional. After a few months that all went away. She had developed her own coping skills and her own way of processing the murder of her parents and she wasn't interested in anyone else's opinion of it. She was also afraid that once the doctor heard about the thoughts in Isa's head she would certainly be admitted.

Things... have changed.

So much has happened. So many things that no one could possibly comprehend unless they lived life the way Isa did.

Dr. Kasey sat down after showing Isa her seat. The woman stood to be around 5'5 ish. Just a little taller than Isa. She had dirty blonde hair and pale skin with some freckles. Isa studied her green eyes. She tried to guess how old she was. Maybe.. 30? At the oldest? Then she wondered if she was human.

The doctor smiled as she pulled her notepad along her lap with both hands. "So.. Isabella. I see you like to be called Isa. Is that okay? Can I call you Isa?"

Isa nodded.

"You seem like you're trying to figure something out. Do you have any questions for me before we begin? I like to let my patients have a few minutes of q&a before we start but once we begin we'll be focusing on you.. so this is your chance.." her tone was playful. Engaging.

Isa narrowed her eyes a little, "Are you human?" A valid question for Rhydin.

"I am," she nodded.

"What's your first name? How old are you? Why are you a therapist?" She shot a few more off the top of her head.

"My first name is Janelle, I'm 34, and I like to help people learn to help themselves." They were very common questions so the answers were easy to get to. This seemed to satisfy Isa who settled back in her seat.

"No further questions." Isa folded her hands on her lap and scoot back in the chair. It wasn't that she wasn't curious about the doctor, but she had no interest in the 'getting to know you' part of this visit. She wanted to get the hard stuff over with. Get down to it, as it were.

"Alright. Let's get started then, shall we?" Dr. Kasey let the notepad come to rest on her knees and set the tip of her pen against it as she waited for notes to take during their conversation. "Tell me about yourself, Isa."

"...What do you want to know?" she replied suspiciously.

"Well, why do you think you're here? That's usually a good start."

"I know that something's not right with me." Isa hesitated, but she decided to be real and see where it would take her. "I mean I know I've been through a lot in a short amount of time, but even before that something was wrong with me. My real parents, they wanted to send me to a shrink, too, but they didn't get the chance."

"Yes, your adoptive mother told me that your biological parents died in a fire. I'm really sorry to hear that." Dr. Kasey watched Isa as she spoke, then looked back down at her notepad. "How did it make you feel to know they wanted to send you to a therapist?"

Isa didn't have a visible reaction to mention of her parents, she simply continued with the conversation. "At the time I think I didn't want it.. but then afterwards I thought it was probably a good idea... and then I didn't want it again... and now I'm here. So.." She shrugged.

"Why are you here now? Did you change your mind?"

"No, I still don't want to be here but.." Isa smoothed her palm over her denim clad thigh idly. "..I want to learn how to be a better person. For Callie. I don't want anyone worrying about me and I don't want to cause anyone any more trouble than I already have." These words were mostly true. Isa did want to make Callie happy and she didn't want people to worry about her, but she didn't believe she was capable of changing on the inside. She knew that she viewed the world in a much different light than most and she knew that her way of thinking was considered wrong by many. In short, she was here to learn how to blend in better.

The doctor nodded and took a few more notes, "So tell me how you think you've caused others trouble."

She shifted a little uncomfortably, "I'm impulsive.. and when I see something I want to do or if I think something sounds like fun I do it. I don't really think about whether or not it will affect anyone else because I never really consider that it might until it's too late.

"Do you have an example? We can look for ways to recognize when you're going to do something reckless so that you can change that behavior before you hurt someone else?"

Isa was quiet for a moment as she considered her response. Finally, she decided to explain what was going through her mind when she hooked up with a Noizy Boy at Dodger's. "Okay so.. a few weeks ago something was wrong with my truck. I took it to this shop that we're cool with. I've interned there a few times, they taught me some cool stuff and I really like learning about cars so I love going there. Anyway, one of the guys is around my age." He's three years older, but to Isa it didn't matter. "He started flirting with me and we were alone together and he was showing me how to crush cars. I'm like okay, this is super fun, right? I get to smash cars and this guy is telling me how hot I am and it's totally blowing up my ego and well.. it was fun. So I was flirting back and just having a good time and he starts kissing my neck and really laying it on thick all while we're smashing cars.. and the machine we were in was vibrating so it was like even sexier.. and finally he basically asks me if I've ever had sex in a machine like that and of course I said no because I had never even BEEN in one of those machines and things got really heated and I was like.. hey.. this is actually really hot. I mean. He was cute and funny. We were crushing expensive cars and this machine was loud and rough and I mean how many people can say that they'd done something that impulsive and crazy and sexy?" She was using her hands to emphasize her sentences, flowing from one point to the next. "So I asked him if he had protection and said it wasn't going to happen if he didn't. Turns out he did. So.. I said why not?" She laughed a little at that.

"You laughed there, why?" Jumping onto that before Isa could continue.

"Because it's funny.." she shrugged. "Sex... Something people take so seriously all the time.. Something people think about and want all the time but they set up so many barriers and put it on a pedestal. It's just sex. It's out there. People offer it. People want it. Sure, it's ya know.. exchanging bodily fluids and all that, but really it's just.. something people do.. and they put so much stock in it and make it into such a big deal."

"What about you, Isa? What do you think about sex?" Dr. Kasey was listening and nodding.. waiting before she'd write anything else. She knew that patients watched how often she'd write. She knew it made them feel like they were being judged.

"I think sex is fun. Is it special? It can be. But when you're just hooking up with someone you're not really into it's just all about fun and being in the moment." She raised her shoulders and smiled a little, "It's like a high you get.. you know.. when you're doing something that everyone else thinks is wrong.. you feel like you're on top of the world and you can do anything. Sex can be like that. Sex with Noizy... eh. It wasn't that good. But you add in the crusher machine and the fear of getting caught.. THAT made it worthwhile. I'll probably never have an experience like that again and most people will never experience that. And that's it. It was a few minutes of fun, nobody got hurt, nobody got pregnant, nobody got any STDs." "So no one got hurt? But you said this was an example of when your actions did hurt someone.."

"Okay I meant I didn't get hurt and Noizy didn't get hurt.. but later on when Callie found out. She was pretty upset... and then when my boyfriend found out I think he was hurt. But that's not why i did it. I wasn't thinking 'oh I want to hurt somone!' or 'Oh no this might hurt someone'."

"Why do you think Callie was upset? Do you think she was justified in being upset?"

Isa took a breath, getting tired of the subject already. "Okay, so first I want to say.. Callie.. slut-shames. A lot. And she doesn't think she is, but she is. And it hurts my feelings and I think it's totally sexist. But that much aside.. I don't really know why she was so upset. I mean I get that she doesn't think I should be having sex because most parents don't want their teenagers having sex, but... most teenagers are having sex. So why bother getting upset about it? I mean she made it seem like I went out of my way to whore myself out to this guy because I'm just suuuuch a slut." she rolled her eyes. "That's not it at all. It just happened! And I don't think it's right to pass judgment on someone because of their sex life. Just because I chose to sleep with someone doesn't mean I deserve any less respect."

"But you had a boyfriend? Is this an open relationship? You don't seem to be bothered by the idea of cheating."

"Oh! Sorry, I think I misspoke. We weren't boyfriend/girlfriend at the time. Well.. I mean.. I didn't think we were." She pulled her feet up to sit Indian style on the chair and continued as if she were talking to her best girlfriend on the phone. This was getting easier! "So Jagger and me.. we've had this.. thing.. back and forth for awhile.. and we started as friends and ended up hooking up.. and he was like 'oh I can't be monogamous' and I was like 'well I just want to be friends anyway' and I just kept pushing my feelings for him away because I didn't think he really wanted to be with me. So as long as I saw him as just a friend with benefits I was cool. I can separate things like that, I'm not like needy girls who are like 'wah I need you to love me!' or anything.

Eventually I did catch feelings for him but I just reminded myself that he wasn't a relationship guy and we were better off as friends.. Well when he found out about Noizy he actually got jealous and said he had stopped sleeping with other people and thought we were exclusive.. so.. I was like.. oh.. wow." She laughed a little again, "Would have been nice if he had told me that, right?"

Dr. Kasey smiled some, "Perhaps he wasn't sure of his own feelings until that point... Go on."

"Maybe. So after that we agreed to be exclusive. Because I mean.. I love him. And he's the best at everything so it's not like I'm missing out. He's the best lover and best friend I've ever had. He's perfect."

A lot of teenagers believe their boyfriend or girlfriend is perfect so Dr. Kasey didn't bother bursting her bubble, she was simply observing at this point. "So do you understand why either of them would be upset with your decision to sleep with.. Noizy?"

"Yes and no. I understand that society says it's wrong, that teenagers shouldn't be having sex. I don't agree with it and I don't understand why it's wrong for someone who's 16 to have consensual protected sex with someone but it's not wrong when an 18 or 21 year old does it. I'm sixteen and I know that's not very old but I've been through and accomplished way more than a lot of eighteen and twenty-one year olds so I don't think I'm too immature for sex. I know that people think it's wrong. I just don't agree... And I understand why Jag was upset because he wanted me to be with him and that's it. That, I can agree with. I would be super jealous if he started sleeping with other girls again when I thought we were exclusive."

Dr. Kasey simply nodded, then decided to switch gears away from sex for the time being. "I'd like to take things back to talk about your parents for a little bit. Are you alright with that?"

Isa nodded, though her exterior softened some.

"Can you tell me.. why did they want to send you to therapy?"

"Well, I was a problem child.." She paused. "Ever since I can remember, was always doing things wrong. I fought with other kids.. I stole.. I started drinking and partying when I was thirteen.. hung out with the wrong crowds... and my parents weren't like the other kids' parents. My parents were awesome. They were super sweet and loving and they gave me a good home but I couldn't seem to stay in it. They'd try to punish or discipline me and I would just run away.. and when they found me I'd cry and tell them how much I hated myself because I was horrible to them, but couldn't stop." Isa didn't realize it, but she had begun to cry. Dr. Kasey held out a box of tissues to her and she blinked, then felt the tear against her cheek. She pulled a tissue and wiped it away, "Thanks... I know it sounds stupid. You probably think I wasn't really sorry.. but they knew I was telling the truth. They knew I didn't do any of it on purpose."

"I believe you. I don't think it's stupid, Isa. A lot of young people find themselves in trouble when they go out into the world looking for answers to their internal problems instead of looking to the people who love them most. It sounds to me that you might be one of those people."

"It's not that I didn't love them or respect them.. it's just that I needed to figure things out on my own... and I was always wrong about everything.. even now. I know that I need to figure things out the hard way or I will always have this.. feeling of being claustrophobic.. and resentment.. I don't want anyone else to be responsible for my happiness or my unhappiness for that matter.. I just want to love them and be loved for who I am.. and learn from my own mistakes.. without hurting anyone else.."

Isa spent the rest of the hour talking about her parents. She told Dr. Kasey about the day they died. That it had been a perfect birthday with just the three of them. They went to the movies, went out for pizza at her favorite pizza place, then went home for the night. She peppered the walk down memory lane with some of the events that happened recently.. like someone cursing her so that she was craving that pizza constantly.. or the time she'd visited the charred house.. and brief mentions of the people that killed her parents. She still wasn't sure how much she could share with the doctor without getting into more trouble. Would the doctor tell the authorities if she confessed the people she's killed? Would Dr. Kasey think she was making up the stories about Ares and the mutant gang responsible for her and Danny's parents death? She'd love to be able to talk about these things without care.. but for now she remained guarded.

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