A Night Out
Phewww what a weekend.. what a week, actually.
Shit.
There's a lot that happened that I'm not sure I feel comfortable writing about.. Not that I think anyone will read this but.. you never know.. ugh.
Then again, maybe that would be a relief. Not to have to carry all this around anymore..
So here goes. Fuck you, JD, if this gets read.
Last week I was approached after I was leaving my parents grave by this guy who I'm pretty sure is an angel. A fallen angel, maybe, but an angel. He had wings and powers and he could read my mind and Seija is the only other one I know that can do that.. and he talked about having a grudge against the Poes.
He wants me to fuck them all over.
He wants me to ruin their lives... and he said if I do it he'll reward me. He'll give me powers. He'll get me away from them and help me get a place with Danny as long as I work for him. He says he'll make me powerful.. as powerful as I'm supposed to be. He says I have potential to be great...
but I can't do that to Callie and the Poes.. They're part of the very small group of people that I love and care about... the idea of hurting them and pushing them away for no good reason makes me feel sick.. but sometimes.. honestly.. sometimes it's tempting. Not to hurt them, but to do what I want when I want.. to have that power and freedom.. I just want to find a way to get that without hurting them.
And if I don't do what he says? He's threatened to hurt them... and with his powers and all... I can't let that happen. I have to protect them.. so I'm going to do what he says until I can figure out how to kill him.
So far it hasn't been that difficult really.. I just.. act on my impulses.. it pisses Callie off... makes him happy... but I feel like it's only a matter of time before he asks me to do more than annoy her. I have to find a way out of this before he makes me do something awful.. I already feel like Callie is beginning ot hate me and resent me. So I've been trying to spend more time with my friends.
Danny's hardly ever around.. and he gets mad at me for the stuff that I'm doing but when I try to talk to him he doesn't understand.. like.. he thinks I can just turn off my crazy. heh. I know it sounds ridiculous.. I know it sounds stupid to him.. but I can't tell anyone about JD because he's listening and watching.. if I tell Danny then that might put everyone in danger so I just keep trying to drop hints and Danny just.. gets mad at me and insists that he can help me.. I love him but if he thinks I'm that dense.. and that careless.. that I'd be doing this stuff on purpose? It bothers me. So.. I dunno. It is what it is. Once I find out how to kill JD things can get back to normal.
But fuck that, you know what? I was WAY worse before I came here. I may not have been having sex, but I was dropping acid, I was drinking, I was partying, I even started doing coke. I was stealing and helping people cheat at school for money. I lied to my parenst all the time but my parents didn't deserve it. I didn't do anything to spite them, but once you start living that kind of life you just get wrapped up in finding that next high.. and for me it was always about danger. It's that adrenaline rush knowing that you could die at any moment.. having that kind of control but being totally wild at the same time.. Or the feeling of completely letting go when you're high.
I've done some fucked up shit but it was always about the excitement, it was never about the people.
This is different. It's about doing things now that may hurt feelings but save lives in the long run.. and then when it's over I can tell them about it and they'll understand because they're hunters. They'll know I was trying to keep everyone safe. While I'm at the Poe's I plan on doing plenty of research.. then I'm going to fucking murder that son of a bitch.
So back to this night out that I am now totally grounded for (but it was worth it!)..
So ever since Jag and Abby met he's been talking to and hanging out with her..
Honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about this. Then I hear through the grapevine that Abby, Ki, and Sarah were invited to go and see his band play on Friday night...
I never got an invitation.. and.. I thought we were super close? I mean that's the way he talked to me on Monday before he tried to kiss me? I mean at first I thought it was a him and Ki thing.. but then when I found out Abby was going, too?? I was like wow.. I guess he moved on pretty quickly and doesn't even need me as a friend anymore. So I got all mad and then he shows up and tells me he wanted to invite me himself and that's why he hadn't done it yet.. At first I thought that was a cop out, but.. anyway I'll get to the rest as I explain more. I ended up going to the show, I drove my truck there and caught up with everyone later cuz first I had to work at Dodgers (WHICH WAS SUPER FUN, BTW. I <3 CARS!) I asked Danny if he wanted to go with me but he had to work (again).
Abby... Abby and me have always had this weird friendship.. like.. I love her. I do. But we go through phases where we hate each other. We stab each other in the back and then we make up. It's been that way since we were kids. So I mean I at least try to stab her in the front now, but with her you can never tell. And she's so good at being fake it's hard to tell sometimes.. so stabbing her in the back is easier than doing it to her face. Maybe she feels the same way about me. But we were having a pretty good run before I disappeared. I suspect that's because I was always covering for her. People expect me to be a fuck up. They don't want that for her. I see it like this.. Abby has the opportunity to be something. To accomplish her dreams. I don't, really. I don't even know what my dreams are. I could die tomorrow and nobody would care. Abby? El Paso's sweetheart? People would lose their shit. So if we got in trouble and it would fuck up her shit more to get caught, I'd take the blame. Because like I said, it was expected from me.
ANYWAY I'm getting side tracked again! So I get to the show. It was fucking great. I've never seen any of my friends play in a band like that before. Usually it was garage bands that were meh and the musicians weren't that good. This? This was amazing. Jag and Gina are so talented and their band rocked. And to my surprise? Jag wrote a song for me. I mean it was kind of deep and serious.. all about how sick of all the bullshit going on in my life right now.. but I guess if my frustrating life can inspire a cool song that other people can connect with that's pretty cool.
Well, Sarah left early and then Ki left, too so I didn't see either of them.. but that was fine. Me and Ki are still not friends and he always makes a scene. I was bummed Sarah didn't get to meet Abby, though. I'm kinda glad she didn't say for the after party because I wanted to get waaaaaasted aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand so I did.
We went back to this big fancy house.. with all these fancy people.. I think there were some famous people there, but honestly I don't remember clearly because by the time I started talking to people I was pretty fucked up. I DO remember that when we first got there, when I was just a little buzzed from the champagne, these groupies were trying to put on a horribly lame strip show for Jag while he was sitting in the living room. It made me wonder what kind of stuff those chicks did when they weren't trying desperately to get someone to fuck them.
Then without even thinking about it I found myself sitting on his lap. I mean, I didn't even think twice I just walked over and sat on his lap. He was sitting there in this big black fancy throne-like chair with just his leather pants on and I was wearing this fancy dress that Abby had picked out for me. It must have been an interesting sight. I think I just wanted attention and I didn't want to have to take my clothes off to get it. So I sat down and he seemed surprised. He put his arm around me and started massaging my back.. Then I don't remember what was said or anything. We were joking about something. But then he turned me toward him. It was so quick and smooth I didn't even realize it happened until my legs were straddling him and my skirt was up around my thighs. I told him it was inappropriate and I got up and went to get more drinks..I needed them. Because I was confused. I was feeling some kind of way. In fact, I had to tell Abby to not leave me alone with him because I didn't trust myself.. especially after I started getting more and more drunk. We ended up crashing in one of the bedrooms there and he gave me a ride home the next day...
Which leads to even more awkwardness.
So I had at some pointed ended up in the pool that night and ruined the dress Abby got me, so I was wearing my skirt and stuff from the day before. He had to drive me back to the club so I could get my truck since we all rode to his house together after the show. During the ride he basically told me that if we were going to be friends then I needed to stop cockblocking him with other people.. I'm assuming he meant Abby. First off, I wasn't blocking him from fucking with Abby. Do I want them together? Not really. But that's between them, who am I to stand in their way? I just.. like being the center of attention so.. if my hogging his attention made someone think they didn't have a chance well.. I guess that's what he meant.
I'm such a horrible person, though. The whole time we were driving back to my truck I couldn't get the idea of him out of my head.. I mean.. maybe it was because of the show.. maybe it was a part of his powers. I already knew he has the ability to control my urges and stuff.. he showed me that before, but he said he wasn't going to do it.. but while we were talking about how I was not going to hook up with him and how I wasn't going to block him from hooking up with anyone else all I could think about was what it would feel like if I just crawled onto his lap and started making out with him. It didn't help that I had been texting Danny through the night and morning with no response.. but I know.. he was working.
I'm not very good at this girlfriend thing. I mean sure, I didn't kiss him and I'm not going to hook up with him, but the things that were going through my mind I used to only think about Danny that way.. so it's confusing.. so now I'm grounded and apparently Ki lied and told Callie that I was drinking at the show. (I wasn't drinking at the show, I was drinking at the after party, but I wasn't drinking at the show).
Oh well. I kinda want to be grounded. I need time to think.
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